It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Mostly because I haven’t had a lot of inspirational positive posts in me. You know the saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say….” Well I haven’t. So I’m giving it to you straight…sticking true to the title of this blog, and just be honest. I’m tired.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? Well this must be true even though I don’t want to admit it. The cutsie song and bouncing up and down with a shoulder shrug saying “oh what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?” (insert giggle or laugh). No. The very thing that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger because it’s not killing you. If it was, you’d be headed an opposite direction. What doesn’t kill you makes you fight. What doesn’t kill you makes you push. What doesn’t kill you makes you grit your teeth together and shove against the very thing that wants to throw you down and scream as you struggle to be a stronger force than it.

As I type this, all my fingers have practically split open. It’s hard to wash dishes, it’s hard to type, it’s hard to open things….just yet another affliction I have to deal with. It’s not anything to post about on Facebook or complain to anyone about, but yet ANOTHER thing that just is a thorn in my side holding me back from doing ordinary household tasks. Bending over to mop the floor becoming excruciating because the tissue expanders inside your chest wall are so full of saline that they cramp your muscles into tight charlie horses and cause your back to cramp as well. Sleeping is nearly impossible because once you get into a position that you can actually fall asleep (usually with the help of a sleep aid or narcotic), you freeze in that position and in the middle of the night you go to just move and all your muscles tighten up like cement and you’re literally paralyzed in the bed. Getting up takes about 10 min. Moving around and getting loosened up takes at least 30. Then there’s lunches to pack and backpacks to get ready and children to wake up and clothes to iron. There’s 3-4 doctor appointments to get to, there’s snow holding you back, school cancellations, shuffling kids from one house to the next.

Sometimes you reach the brink. You say I can’t do it anymore. You literally are DONE. It’s past the point of crying, it’s past the point of complaining. Those things don’t get you anywhere.

You push. Push. push.push. Sometimes you actually sit down and cry, get it out, then get up and push some more. What doesn’t kill you….has to make you stronger. Sometimes being strong is the only choice you have.

I find myself having to surrender daily to God. Sometimes hourly. Sometimes I have to sit and say, “God, I literally cannot do it any more. I can’t do one more thing.” Then I feel this push and I get up and keep going. Push through the pain, push through the physical limitations, push through the fear, push through that feeling like you’re going to snap, push to keep things normal.

Put. one. foot. in. front. of. the. other.

Smile and pray for grace when someone looks at you and compares your situation to something that happened to them that pales in comparison. Pray for grace when people say things that are so rude to you about your condition because they don’t have an ounce of common sense. Pray for grace when people stare at you and you’re tired of feeling like a total odd ball in public. Breathe in and out and ask God to please help you not compare your situation to others who seem to have had it easier when it comes to their diagnosis. Pray for forgiveness when a friend tells you about her new hairstyle and you are insanely jealous because you miss your hair so bad you can’t even put it into words. Grace when well-meaning people say you’re almost done….and you know that this will never be done as cancer has re-defined your life and who you are as a person. Pray for God to help you with the hurt and frustration when your relationships change and people you thought were really close friends and family haven’t even reached out to you at all and have remained distant.

Realize that God is okay with you throwing yourself on the stairs when no one else is home and screaming out the words “WHY?!!!” over and over as you pound the steps with your fists and lay there totally empty and spent.

There is a private battle that no one sees, there are tears no one sees, there are doubts, fears, insecurities, and questions that no one hears about. And then the question of what your life will look like after this. What will normal be?

Sometimes I don’t get it right. Sometimes I get angry and I yell. Sometimes I pout. Sometimes I pretend that I can do everything just like normal. Sometimes I take it out on my poor husband.

This is the ugly side of cancer. The part that no book or doctor really prepares you for.

What doesn’t kill you…..it’s not going to kill me. I’m not talking about my physical body. This isn’t going to kill my spirit. This isn’t just like running a difficult marathon, this is rock climbing…the highest mountain on earth with the most tricky climb possible. One where you don’t know where you’re going to put your foot next. In fact, the next foothold isn’t even in sight, you have to trust God to provide it. Sometimes you just hang there and rest. Sometimes the rain pelts you in the face. Sometimes it’s cold. Lonely. You’re hanging out there all by yourself.

With everything in my life I always ask God the question, what are you showing me? About myself? I’m still learning. He’s showing me I have a terrific amount of fight in me…and I must have a lot of hope too. Because I haven’t given up. I haven’t thrown in the towel. I type with bloodied fingers (literally right now), and I will mop and get my floor clean! I will love on my kids even when I just want to go to bed and let them be by themselves. I will go to church and worship my God who gives and takes away. I will be okay with not having any answers, I will be okay with the process. I will live inside today only. I cannot control my world. I cannot control my health. I surrender.

What doesn’t kill you….makes you stronger. Philippians 4:13 – I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me.