First, I cry because of the enormous amount of lives lost on this day 12 years ago. Mothers, fathers, children, brothers, sisters, and friends. Senseless and tragic. I cry because I see the families that still are in pain after their loss, even 12 years later.
I cry because my dear friend lost her mother to suicide on this day. Watching her as she’s struggled through the different seasons of healing from that tragedy has been sobering.
I even cry for myself, and the fact that I realize life is precious and it’s not a sure thing. I cry because I never thought I would be fighting cancer at 34 years old. I cry because I realize that there is nothing I can do in my own ability to make myself better. I have to trust the doctors, the medicine, the toxic chemo I am pumping into my body to kill the cancer; I have to trust my God that He holds my life in His hands.
Trust is easy when you haven’t struggled. The trust of a child who is so innocent, who has never been hurt, comes easy. But when you’ve suffered a tragic loss, a sickness, when you’ve had something happen to you in your life that is totally unfair – trust is hard.
Trust hurts, it’s a sacrifice. It’s a decision sometimes that has to be made even when the feelings and emotions do not match. Sometimes when we pray, “God I trust you,” it’s difficult to make the words come out. Fear is real. Everywhere you look – our country is in a state of unrest, every day there is news that shows us that we are on the brink of wars, economic collapse, and more. Every day I send my children off to school praying they are safe, praying that God will protect them from any harm.
The pain in this life is real. No one prepares you for it. You begin as a child completely naive until something or someone hurts you – whether physically or emotionally, it happens and we realize – we lose trust. As a teen, we realize how much our peers can hurt us, and how people aren’t who they say they are. As adults, we realize that our world is not as bright as we maybe thought it might be and there is pain and destruction everywhere. We question everything. We lose our grandparents, our parents, and for some of us, our own children. Pain is real.
What does trust mean for you? I can only answer for me. These days, trust is a daily decision and sometimes hourly. Sometimes I have to speak the words, even though I may not fully believe them in the moment. When I sing about trusting God in the worship songs in church, I have to sing them from the very bottom of my heart and get the words into my spirit.
So today, I’m choosing to trust. God, I trust you with my children today. God, I trust you with my cancer today. God, I trust you right now at 9:53 am with how I’m going to feel for the next hour. I trust you with my finances and that you will provide when it’s outside my own ability to provide for myself.
How are you going to choose to trust?