Today was a rough one. My mom had her double mastectomy today. The last two nights, I laid awake til the wee hours of the morning thinking about what she was going to have to go through, and also thinking about how I was going to have to do the same thing in a few months. Up until now, I really haven’t let myself think about the surgery much because it was all I could do to get through chemo.

But having Mom go through it forced me to think about it head on. I cried for my Mom last night. Cried that she had to have cancer at all, cried that she was losing a part of herself, cried about her having to go through pain, and then cried for myself.

My mom did really well today. I was so glad to see her calm this morning in the pre-op waiting area and said she knew God was with her. I had prayed for that, and I know many, many people were sending up prayers on her behalf. I’m glad I was able to sit with my Dad most of the day as I know he was nervous and upset that my Mom had to go through this at all.

I got a lot of looks today at the hospital. It’s not often that a Mom and daughter are having to go through cancer treatment at the same time; I know it still boggles my mind when I think about it. Having to deal with this fight on my own is hard enough, and you get the determination to do it and grit your teeth and push through, but then when you see a family member, especially your parent going through it, it becomes a whole lot tougher.

You feel this pull between thinking about yourself and this deep need to protect and be there for your parent. Sometimes it’s tough because your energy is limited and you have to pick and choose how you exert it. I felt that today when I was determined to be there at my Mom’s side until visiting hours were over, but by 3:30 pm I was physically exhausted and had to leave.

I so appreciate the prayers and support I’ve been receiving from others. Without them, I am not sure I could handle this at all (physically or emotionally). On my way to the hospital this morning, I thanked God for His strength. So many people say “You’re so strong!” I have to say, this is not my own strength. I could not do it on my own; I do not have the ability. It is solely the strength of God and others lifting me up that I am able to go from day to day.

And with that, I try very hard to just live inside the day I am at and not think about what tomorrow will bring. This is really something I have to choose to do each day, especially when the days ahead try to cloud my mind. I have to almost say to myself, “Okay Jenny, come back to this moment. Come back to today and just stay here for now.”

And as always, I try to see the positives in this situation. I told my Dad today, “Mom and I are both going to be survivors. That’s the best news of all.”