I had my biopsy this past Wednesday. Before the procedure, I had taken a Valium to calm myself. When I arrived at the appointment, they took me back and numbed me up pretty good before they biopsied the first lump. Then I heard the core needle go in and what sounded like a staple gun as it took a tissue sample. Then they wanted to biopsy the second lump. They numbed me and put the biopsy needle in and I liked to come off the table. They hadn’t numbed me enough. So they tried again and got a sample from that lump. Then I was told there was a third mass (I didn’t realize that). She was also concerned about a swollen lymph node so she needle aspirated that. Everything is going off to pathology and I will hear the results Monday.

Now that the messy details are out of the way, I’m not going to post the things the doctor said she’s worried about. I’ve made quite a big decision this past week. I’m not going to say “what could be.” ‘What could be’ could be anything, and your mind can take you to the furthest reaches of terrible and back again. I’m living in the moment.

How have things changed for me? I’m trying very hard to keep a normal schedule and routine. The boys are getting out of school this week so they’ve been bouncing off the wall. Picnics, game days, teacher gifts….lots to focus on and not much time to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I will say that some things have changed drastically for me in my perspective. 2 weeks ago, I’m worried about bills, my dirty windows, the laundry, how bad my hair needs colored, and if we can get the deck painted. This week my thoughts have been about where I can find wigs and rags to cover my bald head if I have to have chemo, will they get it all out, look how fast my daughter is growing, wow Dean’s eyes are such a neat shade of brown, those flowers are beautiful, and thank you God for another day.

I said to my friend just a few days ago, it’s like I put a pair of glasses on and now I see the world completely different. It’s hard to explain really, but some of you reading this will know what I mean.

Monday’s results will tell a lot. What kind of cancer is there, what stage it’s at, if there is cancer in my lymph nodes and what the next step is for me. Of course I’m praying for a miracle to happen and the pathology report come back that it’s not cancer at all. I truly believe God can perform miracles at any stage of this journey, but I just want to say that I have prayed for that and also prayed that if God is going to fully take me through this journey, that I can have the strength to go through it.

And strength He has given me.

I’ll probably be quiet this weekend. The waiting game until Monday, so I’m going to enjoy my weekend with my family, with my church family on Sunday and trust God with Monday. I’m only given the day I’m presently in, and that is a gift and all that I am entrusted with. God’s word says to take no thought for tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. My friend told me that fear is just a way for our minds to think of the worst possible outcome and to prepare ourselves somehow for it, which in my opinion is a way to try to control it. Anytime we try to control, we aren’t letting God do what He does best. So I’m surrendering.