“Let me know if you need anything.”
These 7 words are usually the first ones spoken to a person in a crisis.
What if I told you these words can actually hurt more than help?
Sure, we all mean well. We hear about the person who has been diagnosed with cancer, or the person who has lost a loved one, or one who has just experienced devastation and lost everything they own.
It’s uncomfortable. Our heart hurts. We have no idea what to say…let alone do. So we say something like, “I am sorry. Please let me know if you need anything.” And we wait for them to let us know if they need something.
As a person who has experienced loss, cancer, and trauma, I have had many loving, well-intentioned people tell me those words. Yet, when I heard them – I felt worse. The truth was I did need something – I needed help, I needed friends, I needed SOMETHING….but I didn’t know what!
See, when trauma happens, the human brain does something interesting. It actually shuts down the part of the brain responsible for reasoning and rational thought and a different part takes over – the part that is responsible for emotion and survival.
Essentially, your friend or loved one that you are wanting to help can’t tell you what they need. Because they don’t even know if what is happening to them and their response to it is even normal at all.
So please, don’t say, “Please let me know if you need anything.”
Here are just a few examples of what they may need and they are in order of importance:
- Practical needs. If you have ever heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the needs at the bottom of the triangle must be met first before others can be. In more practical terms, your loved one needs to eat and sleep, which is something they may be forgetting to do in the midst of their crisis.
Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” say –
“I would love to make dinner for your family on Thursday. What time is best to drop it off?” Or…
“With all those doctor appointments, I bet getting your kids to the bus on time will be difficult. What time can I be there to help?”
“All those trips you are having to make must be difficult. Here are a few gas cards to help you out.”
If you aren’t sure what to do, ask someone close to them for ideas. Or, ask someone who has experienced something similar.
(SimplyPsychology.org/maslow.html)
- Ministry of Presence. Most of the time, words are not needed. Simply sitting with the person and just being present can bring a feeling of calm and peace to them. Don’t be uncomfortable with silence, and do not feel like you need to fill the space with words. An example of this would be trying to explain away the reason for the person’s feelings. Never say, “Well at least ________,” “God had a plan,” “Well, they’re in a better place,” or other statements that try to fit their deep emotion into a box. Even well-intentioned, these are not statements that express empathy and will not help the person feel better.
- It may not be over as soon as you think. Many people have commented that there is a certain point during crises when people disappear. With loss, many have said it was the second year after a loss that was the hardest, and that is when many stop checking in. A common theme in crisis is the difficulty of the person experiencing the crisis finding what is called their “new normal.” This is an extremely difficult time to navigate as the crisis may have changed the person and their view on life. Give them grace, and space (only if they request it) but do check in with them.
Some other important things to remember:
A traumatic incident and a crisis are two different things. A traumatic incident is a death, the loss of a home from natural disaster, or an accident. Just because something is traumatic doesn’t always mean the person will be in crisis. Also, the crisis can come at different times. For example, a person diagnosed with cancer may not experience the crisis until after the treatment is over and life should be returning to some form of “normal.” (In actuality, life after cancer truly requires a new normal). Do not assume every person reacts the same way you would.
If you still aren’t sure what to do, feel free to reach out to me for resources to help you and your loved one.
Resources:
12 Steps of Psychological First Aid – anyone can administer this to someone in need.
How to Help In an Emotional Crisis
How Family & Friends Can Help Trauma Survivors
Please feel free to comment on this post if you have experienced a crisis in your life and what has made the most difference?
Jennifer Miller is a breast cancer survivor and is currently finishing her Masters Program in Crisis & Trauma Counseling.