Since my last post, my mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer as well. I’ve had to watch her go through the testing and biopsies and now in 10 days she faces her own surgery – a double mastectomy. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that my mom and I would both have to deal with breast cancer at the same time. Thankfully, hers is very small and 100% curable and treatable. Still, I hate that she has to have this surgery and I’m praying it goes really smoothly for her. And I hope I can be there for her the way I want to be with everything I’m dealing with as well.
At the time of this post, I’ve just went through my second round of chemo. Today is 5 days since that treatment. The last two days have been the hardest yet with severe abdominal cramping and pain. I took some Bentyl and it helped some but mostly had to sleep it off. I’ve had a lot of chemo fog lately, and the days run together. Time is flying by and I feel like I am in some kind of holding place and watching the world go on around me. It’s a very strange feeling to say the least. I’m noticing the changes the most with my daughter Sadie, as she went from crawling to walking to counting and saying entire sentences in what seems like overnight. I’m afraid I’m going to miss something. I find myself taking videos and pictures so that when this nightmare is over I can go back and clearly see what happened before my very eyes that I was in such a fog that I felt like I missed it.
There are good things too. Moments when things are quiet and I just hold my kids next to me. I don’t feel well enough to do much else so I just sit and spend time with them. It’s so funny, when my life was 100 mph, I used to think – “If I could just get a few minutes to sit.” Now I have those minutes, hours, and days and I find myself wishing things were normal again. I know there is a lesson here. So I will be content to sit and just enjoy them and be close to them because that is what God is giving me today.
My hair started actually falling out yesterday. I had shaved it about a month ago, but it has grown back and I guess a little part of me thought I would be the 1% that would get to keep it. It was a little tough to see all the bald patches on the top of my head and every time I itched my head saw a spray of hairs fall down. I had Randy go ahead and shave my head again, hopefully for the last time ever in my life. A dear friend said to me, as the hairs fall out remember the next time there is hair there, it will be healthy hair growing in!
My sister also went home yesterday after staying at my house for a month. I realized she had been with me since my first treatment, so having her go was hard. She had taken care of the kids, cooked and cleaned for me….and thank you is not enough for that. She’ll be heading back this way in a couple of weeks when my mom has her surgery though….
This post is all over the place, but shows you how my brain is functioning. Hopefully you can wade through the changing thoughts, I really just wanted to get it all out in its rawest form. 🙂
As a last thought, something that I’ve been trying to focus on to get me through this time – and that is trying to have a ‘glass is half full’ mentality. I had mentioned before that things that used to bother me so bad, now are unimportant…it’s all because of a perspective change. I know there is someone out there that has a worse situation than me, there are those who do not have the hope of a cure. So I MUST focus on the positive things. Sometimes this takes a LOT of mental work on my part, as it’s much easier to sit in my own pity party and just cry! So here is a list of things I am thankful for today WHILE I have cancer:
- My children are healthy
- My husband loves me
- I have medication that can combat the ill effects of the chemo
- I will live!
- Out of three weeks, I have only had a FEW bad days. I can handle that
- I have so many friends and family who love me and show me their support daily!! So many people do not have that!
- I love my home and property, it’s so healing and therapeutic to just BE here….sitting on my porch swing and looking at nature
- I have air conditioning in the middle of 110 degree heat index!
- God is providing for all my needs, my bills are paid and I have healthy organic food in my fridge to eat
- I only have four more chemo treatments!
- I will have a new set of boobs when this is all said and done (hey, I gotta look forward to something right!??)
- God is using my story to touch others’ lives and give them hope (that makes every second worth it).
- God is changing me from the inside out