I’ve tossed around the idea of writing a blog series for a while now regarding my diagnosis. It’s been hard to get up the guts to write it. But first, I have to admit something.
I’ve been accused of wanting attention.
For years.
-Jenny, the girl with a little too much personality, the talker, the girl who does everything.
-How does she do it all?
-Why does she have to tell us every little thing she’s doing?
-She’s changed her mind again?
-She just needs or wants attention.
-She’s so full of drama!
These are all words that have been spoken about me over the years.
You see, it wasn’t me you were talking about. It was my trauma.
In October 2017, I was diagnosed with C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Actually, the DSM5 doesn’t actually have the diagnosis of C-PTSD, so I just got the regular PTSD diagnosis with a side of anxiety disorder.
My kind of PTSD isn’t due to one or two traumatic circumstances but pervasive trauma over a long period of time.
The details are for a later time, but what you are probably familiar with are the symptoms:
-The inability to connect in deep interpersonal relationships
-Severe anxiety, especially relational
-Trust issues
-Difficulty in making decisions, especially without the input of others
-Over exaggerated emotional response that didn’t match the situation (which these were actually emotional flashbacks)
-Over the top perfectionism
-Constantly on edge (hypervigilance)
-Very low self-esteem and insecurity
-Addiction
-Becoming a people pleaser
Since beginning intense treatment a couple of years ago, I’ve experienced huge growth using a treatment called EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing). This coupled with regular talk therapy has enabled me to identify the emotional triggers that were constantly overwhelming me, reframe these so they didn’t have the same negative response, and begin to build my self-esteem and confidence from a grounded health perspective and not on what I thought others wanted to see of me.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because it took me until 40 years old to finally figure out that C-PTSD was what I was dealing with.
Pervasive trauma leaves the victim feeling like there is something deeply wrong with them as a person. Most of their lives are an attempt to make themselves more acceptable. It is deeply rooted in a false sense of self. If you identify with any of the symptoms I listed above, you may have unresolved trauma. I am not saying you have PTSD, however, there may be traumatic experiences that you have not fully dealt with.
If I could share anything, it would be that you are not alone. And that there is hope.
I hope to write more on this subject to shed light on a subject/diagnosis that is sorely misunderstood, not talked about enough, nor is there enough awareness about. Stay tuned….
Some more reading:
Beauty After Bruises – What is C-PTSD
If you need help right now find a therapist:
Safe Harbor Christian Counseling
Psychology Today – Find a Therapist
This is fascinating, Jenny. Keep writing. Your story matters.