I’m pretty sure that God is using this trial in my life to completely bulldoze the inner me, and make me over. In fact, I’m convinced of it. He is totally proving who He really is to me during this time. I finally got to the place where I surrendered my health to Him, I remember the night when it happened. It was shortly after I was diagnosed and didn’t have a real treatment plan, and the prognosis wasn’t good. Fear swept in and I literally was afraid for my life. See, I’m a control freak (if you didn’t know). Yes, I am (confession time). I literally have a death grip on certain areas of my life, with fingers wrapped tightly around “it” and just like a 2-year old shout, “MINE!” when you get to close to taking it away from me.

Over the years, God has given me what I like to call the ‘brick wall’ experience. It’s where I literally come crashing 100 mph into a brick wall face first and fall off my high horse. See that’s the only way I learn, and yes it’s very painful. But it gets my attention. And so, with each ‘brick wall’ experience, my fingers are literally pried open and whatever it was that I was clinging to falls out onto the ground and I find myself surrendering it. And in order for God to be God in the situation, I usually have to walk to the brink of the cliff where it looks like I will lose everything for Him to show me He can be trusted.

I’m not sure where in my past I began having trust issues. I think I have my idea, but that’s not the point. The point is I DO have trust issues in several areas, and one by one God is allowing me to go through situations in order for me to grow from them. Joyce Meyer said it great when she said, when we pray in the middle of a difficult situation God will do one of two things. He will either deliver us from it completely (which is what we always pray for) or He will take us through it. See, we can’t pray and say we trust God and then worry. It’s either one or the other. God has always had me ‘go through it,’ and I can totally see why. I need to grow.

A friend at church handed me a little pink bag this last Sunday and there was a sticker on the bag that said “Shattered Within.” Inside the bag was the most beautiful little pink necklace that sparkled and a brochure that explained about the necklace. The sparkly pink piece on the necklace was actually a marble. The lady that makes these says that she starts with a marble and bakes it in the oven at 500 degrees. Then once done baking, she drops the marbles into cold water. The inside of the marble will shatter. This is to be compared to our hearts, we become ‘shattered within.’ She says that over time she’s shattered hundreds of marbles, but not every one of them makes the cut. The ones she valued the most were the ones that were fractured throughout the whole marble. Some of them were unfazed by the heat of the oven, they came out just like they went in. She compared this to a hardened heart when it goes through trials. How she picked the marbles were by shining a bright light on them. The ones that reflected the most light were the ones that she picked. And so, we are to let the light of God shine through us to reach those around us.

What a beautiful gift I had received!

Just this morning, I was worrying yet again about something else that I needed God to take care of when He has proven probably 10 times over the last month, and yet I still hadn’t opened the death grip my hands had on it. And yet again, I ran into the brick wall (this is really beginning to hurt!). I have prayed more prayers asking for forgiveness for my lack of faith lately. When will I learn? I feel like God is being ever so patient with me and whispering the words to me, “It’s okay. I know you are hurt in this area. I know you need to learn to trust. I’m going to keep teaching you that I can indeed be trusted!” Thank you God for not giving up on me!!

The song that came to my mind today is called “Give Me Faith.” The words are my prayer and I thought I’d embed the song below in case you want to take a listen. Here are the words:

Verse 1
I need You to soften my heart,
To break me apart.
I need You to open my eyes,
To see that You’re shaping my life.

Pre-Chorus:
All I am,
I surrender.

Chorus:
Give me faith to trust what You say
That You’re good, and Your love is great.
I’m broken inside, I give You my life.

Verse 2:
I need You to soften my heart,
To break me apart.
I need You to pierce through the dark
And cleanse every part of me.

Bridge:

I may be weak, but
Your Spirit’s strong in me.
My flesh may fail, but
My God You never will. (repeat)

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You can read more about Shelley and her beautiful necklaces at www.shatteredwithin.com or visit her Facebook page at www.facebook.com/shatteredwithin