The end of a year always brings about reflection of some kind or another, and for me, it was no different. Just a whole lot more than I ever bargained for.

Being the type of person I am, I am pretty transparent and hide nothing. Sometimes, that’s seen as a gift, sometimes not so much. I’ve definitely been misunderstood in the past for how open I have been while going through difficulty.

2023 was very different. I was silent. I wasn’t even sure what I would say, and honestly, there were no words to describe this past year.

But as plainly as I can say it:
I experienced the death of my 22-year marriage, which ended in an unwanted divorce.

It was hard to stay silent on this as we were both involved in a pretty public ministry at church. I am a counselor that sees hundreds of clients. I have shared my story of addiction and cancer VERY openly. How do you even talk about something like this?

Not sharing has brought about a lot of difficulty for my kids and I. Just last week, I was asked where my husband was. I have had to tell so many people that I am now divorced and see the look of shock and confusion on their faces.

I have found that through all the difficulties in my life and all that has happened to me, I usually fail to share the intimate details. Why is that? Am I protecting others? Possibly. Am I trying to protect myself? Possibly.

When your marriage implodes in front of hundreds, if not thousands of people you mutually know, it’s shameful. People don’t know the details and try to piece together what they think happened. People disappear and pull away. You lose the mutual friends you both had together. People don’t know what to say or how to help, so they back away. Many question their own marriage and “if it could happen to them.”

No matter the details – unwanted divorce is traumatic. It has been the most brutal, devasting thing I have ever had to walk through. Worse than fighting cancer? YES. 1,000 times, yes.

The details I am willing to share:
-It was unwanted on my part
-I did everything I could to save my marriage
-It was deeply traumatic
-The losses are immense

No matter what the details, it impacts the two people who made a life-long commitment to each other and even more so – the kids.

As I reflect, I choose to focus on what I know to be true:

• My kids and I are healing.
• God is good and has proved to be faithful and provided for my every need.
• God is using this part of my story already to help others.
• God has placed people in my kids’ lives who have loved on them and prayed over them.
• God has placed people in my life who have walked this out with me, watched the ugly, and didn’t run away.
• God isn’t finished with me yet. He has a perfect plan.

2024 will be a year of healing and growing for me and my kids. I have a clear vision of what God has called me to do. There will be a lot of hurdles to overcome and many firsts to experience, but I am not afraid.

If I could give encouragement to anyone who might be facing the end of a dream of what you thought your life would look like and you find yourself here when you didn’t ask to be, might I give you some life-giving words as you’re reading this:

• Your healing journey is yours, and you don’t have to explain how you are walking this out. Others were not part of your life experience or relationship, and they could never understand what you went through. Stay accountable to safe people and to God.
• People mean well but do not know the right things to say. So they will stay silent or maybe say the wrong things. Have grace. You don’t know until you know. Find the people that do know. Those are your people.
• Forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate things. Understand the difference. We are commanded to forgive, and that releases us from the pain and bitterness. It doesn’t mean that you are saying what happened is okay. It will never be okay. Reconciliation may never be possible but you are releasing the person that hurt you to God to deal with and you are now free to walk forward.
• God isn’t surprised by the trauma. We are. He is still in control, and He will bring beauty from the charred ashes of your dreams. Offer your dreams of what should have been as an offering of worship. This is painful but beautiful. You can do it through your tears of grief.
• This will have completely changed you as a person. That is okay. You will find your new normal. You will smile again. You will breathe again. Don’t run from the pain. The only way around is straight through.
• You will need support. Find it in every way you can and gather those supports around you. Learn to ask for help.
• Grief will come when you least expect it. It’s part of the process. Allow it to come, and don’t put a timeline on it.
• Your kids (if you have them) will heal as well, and God will put people in their lives to walk this out with them. They can be okay, just like you will be.
• Don’t try to do this alone. It’s too big. Consider finding a counselor or life coach with expertise in this area. Having a non-judgmental and safe place to process is necessary for your healing. If you go to a pastor or ministry leader instead, ask them how many people they have walked through this process with and find someone who has navigated a painful divorce.
• Post-divorce healing looks different for everyone. Don’t compare your journey to someone else’s. You will make mistakes. You will probably make some choices that weren’t the best. Learn from all of them and continue to grow. People on the outside looking in WILL judge you. It’s inevitable. Decide how much you will let people in and allow them to speak into your life accordingly. Accountability is a GOOD thing, make sure it’s the right kind.

Anytime you allow God to use the broken parts of your life, there is the temptation to hide out of shame and fear. What you were so proud of can possibly be a point of shame and trigger thoughts that you aren’t good enough or that you are a failure. No one person can determine your value, that comes from God alone and from within yourself. You are not done. This isn’t the end of your story.

We know what it’s like to close a chapter in our life and begin a new one. But sometimes, the book is finished being written and needs to be put on the shelf and a new book is starting. That can be painful. You start to shift from looking behind you, and begin to face forward. It’s necessary for healing. We always can pull that book down from the shelf and read it, cry over, learn from it. But stay in the new thing God is writing in you. He’s a much better author than we.