But then there’s that moment. Anyone that has received shocking news knows that defining moment, when the air is sucked out of you and you have this tunnel vision around the person who is telling you the news.
That moment for me was when the radiologist sat there across from me and said “Can I Be Honest With You?” With those words, I knew. The look in her eye, and the way I felt at that moment where I just wanted to yell, “No you can’t!” and run from the room. Then the words that follow, “We’re pretty sure it’s cancer.”
I can’t even put into words at that moment what enters your mind. A numbness covers my body. I hear myself talking but I feel like I’m not really there. I say, “I’m only 34. I have a baby and two other kids. How can this be happening?” From that day, it’s been a whirlwind of emotion. The only way I can compare it to is that of the stages of grief – first shock/denial, anger, sadness/depression, bargaining and they all seem to repeat at different times.
Next came the MRI and biopsy where I found out it’s not one lump, but two, then oops….there’s another one….and yep, they all appear cancerous. “We’re going to definitely do a double mastectomy,” “we are concerned about cancer in the rest of the body,” “chemo and radiation are a possibility,” are all statements being thrown at me.
Today, I stand at 6 days from that initial statement of “Can I Be Honest With You,” and I seem to have regained my footing a bit. This has driven me straight to my knees and my face lifted up to God in desperation. Last night, I prayed for God to give me a word from Him, because I so desperately needed it. This morning I woke up and the words “terror by day,” just lit up in my mind. I knew they were from Psalm 91 so I looked up the entire chapter (the message version is my favorite). I posted it at the end of this post if you’d like to read it. This passage is going to be mine through this journey. I truly believe God is going to use this story to help others. That’s why I’m creating this blog.
Just a warning though, it may get messy. It may get raw. I’m not going to hold anything back here. This is my story, this is my diagnosis, and this is my way to cope and deal with it. If you are brave enough, I hope you’ll join me on the journey, but if not, no hard feelings either. So here we go….
You who sit down in the High God’s presence, spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow,
Say this: ” God, you’re my refuge. I trust in you and I’m safe!”
That’s right—he rescues you from hidden traps, shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you—
under them you’re perfectly safe; his arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night, not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness, not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around, drop like flies right and left, no harm will even graze you.
You’ll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance, watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God ‘s your refuge, the High God your very own home,
Evil can’t get close to you, harm can’t get through the door.
He ordered his angels to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they’ll catch you; their job is to keep you from falling.
You’ll walk unharmed among lions and snakes, and kick young lions and serpents from the path.
“If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God, “I’ll get you out of any trouble.
I’ll give you the best of care if you’ll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times; I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I’ll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!”
I will be with u on this journey Jenny. U will be scared..sad…depressed…angry and questioning. But I have lived thru this with my aunt Linda years ago. U will not be alone. U already know that because God said that where u see only one set of foot prints is the time I carried u. If u need anything or just need to vent Wendy and I r here.
Jenny, I admire your strength. I wish I were closer to *DO* something for you, but I will pray for God to be so near to you in these coming days.
Jenny – I wish that there wasn’t any need for this blog, but know that I’ll gladly read your words and encourage you anyway that I can. I read your first entry with tears running down my face and breathing prayers for you. Psalm 91 is my favorite passage of scripture and the Message version is also my favorite. May you feel Christ’s ever giving peace in the midst of all of this. You rock Jenny!!
Jenny – I wish that there wasnt any need for this blog, but know that I will read your words and offer any encouragement that I can. A country border may separate us, but my mother heart hears your words and fears. May Psalm 91 offer you constant encouragement – it’s my favorite passage of scripture and the message version is my favorite as well :). May you feel Christ’s ever giving peace every moment. You rock Jennifer!!
Jenny, you will be in my prayers. Cancer touched my life 11 years ago when my mom lost her battle with ovarian cancer. Which is why I had a preventative hysterectomy. But what I’ve learned is that the only ‘sure’ thing is God. Hang in there. I will believe with you that God will do a great work through this. Love you!
Jenny, my heart sunk for you. I will follow your journey & uplift you in prayers. I like the fact that you said this will be raw. 🙂 love you girl!
Michelle
I am just meeting you today through this blog but I will walk with as much as I can through the words you write. I will walk with you when it is messy and raw. We are sisters in Christ, even through we have never met face to face my heart aches for you. I will lift you up in prayer knowing that our God is faithful and that he will carry you through.
My sweet friend… Cancer is such an ugly word… I hate that it’s entering our vocabulary. You need prayer? I’ll pray with you and over you. You need to vent? I’ll be a listening, unjudging ear. You need to cry? My shoulder is here for you always. You need someone to make you laugh? I’ve got that covered also. I’m here. Please reach out to me whenever (seriously, whenever) you need me. I love you girl. God loves you, girl. You will NEVER be alone in this. It may feel lonely. But you are FAR from alone in this. Sending you ((Big Jess Hugs))
Jennifer, I will say a prayer for you. I had no idea what you were going through until I read this but know you will make it through okay!
As I read your blog, my mind began to race with all the things I could be doing to help lift your load right now. I’m good at the running, and the grabbing of the kids. The shopping, the cooking. But, we are so far away from each other!!! So I’m here, ringing my hands. Unable to do anything to physically help. But, then God reminded me that I can Physically get on my knees and pray fervently. So that’s what I’ll be doing. And I’ll also be keeping you on what my father calls a ” back burner”. And I’ll constantly be stirring the pot as it simmers. I love you so much!